When Survival Becomes a Lifestyle
In the midst of a world crisis, my own world was slowly crashing too.
I remember July 2020 all too well.
My mother had cancer.
Breast cancer.
Even writing those words now takes me back to a place that is difficult to fully explain. The world was already dealing with COVID, uncertainty, isolation, fear, sickness and death. Then cancer walked through our front door.
2020 is almost a blur to me.
It was a new kind of pain. A new kind of fear. A heaviness hanging over our home where sometimes words had absolutely no meaning.
There were moments when your shadow seemed to stand taller than you. Silence spoke. Reflections told stories. You could look at someone you loved and know there were a thousand thoughts between you without either of you saying a word.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I slowly tiptoed back into survival mode.
Survival Didn’t Ask Permission
I didn’t wake up one morning and decide, I’m going to live in survival mode.
It just happened.
My mind started trying to prepare me for every possibility. Fear of the unknown became loud. My thoughts became heavier. There were tears I cried privately because I knew my mommy’s immune system was weakening, and in my mind, I had already decided:
I have to be strong for her.
That sentence sounds courageous.
But when you live by it long enough, it can become dangerous.
Because “I have to be strong” can slowly turn into:
I can’t fall apart.
I can’t need anything.
I can’t stop.
I can’t be tired.
I have to figure it out.
Everybody needs me.
And before you know it, survival isn’t something you’re doing anymore.
Survival becomes a lifestyle.
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